Editors’s note: this was a talk I prepared for a men’s prayer breakfast at Countryside Bible Church. I am an elder at Countryside, and was invited to talk about how to stay married for 50 years.
Paul Simon wrote “50 ways to leave your lover,” a catchy iconic tune that is the antithesis of Christian marriage. The scriptures say, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD. Proverbs 18:22)”.
I ‘ll take issue with Simon’s suggestions, but first some context. On June 8, Katie and I will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. I’ve been writing about marriage on and off for over 30 years. This includes wedding homilies, including for some of the men in this room, as well as anniversary posts and birthday posts celebrating that good thing by which I have experienced God’s favor. Four themes have emerged that frame my understanding of a Christian marriage. I summarized these themes two years ago:
First, office. We’ve come to see marriage as an office, a station of responsibility to our children and our community. It’s an idea we picked up from Bonhoeffer. Husband and wife are not just functions but titles, and can be dignified by the way we carry them. These are not the only titles we hold, of course, but marriage is one building block of a stable society, and Katie and take this seriously. She is not just a wife or my wife. She is Wife, in the way she might be Queen or Princess. I honor her office. I affirm her expertise and respect her giftedness. And she honors mine.
Then, covenant. I’ve written about this often. We made a covenant with each other almost 50 years ago at Signal Point Park in Signal Mountain, Tennessee. This was no mere promise or contract, no mere intention or agreement; like covenants since ancient times, it involved an oath with witnesses, the sacrifice of other loyalties, and the celebration of a community. There was ceremony and ritual, not because we love a party, but because we love each other—and vowed to do so “until death do us part.”
Ephesians 5:32 says such covenant keeping is a shadow of God’s greater and surer love for His people, and this reality helps us keep covenant even on days we don’t particularly like each other. Thankfully, after 50 years, there are not many of those days.
Next, pilgrimage. Shortly after we married, we read Adventures in Faith by M.R. DeHaan. This study of the life of Abraham became a central metaphor for our life together. As pilgrims, we have tried to see our things and circumstances as temporary, set against a larger narrative and purpose. We are looking for a city that has foundations and whose builder and maker is God (Hebrews 11:10). Neither Horton. Michigan, nor Kathmandu, Nepal, is our true home.
And finally, sanctuary. Over time, our marriage has become a sanctuary, often for others. We’ve worked to make our home a safe place for hurting people. Or lonely ones. But we’ve also made it a safe place for each other, a refuge from pressure and stress. Sometimes this looks like tea together in the morning. But it’s really about being accepted and cared for. Such love is not an emotion, but a commitment. And commitment creates safe places.
So instead of slipping out the back, Jack, or making a new plan, Stan, we will translate these frameworks into bit-sized chunks like take the long view, Stu. Or admit you were wrong, Shaun. It turns out, fortunately, there are not enough men’s names that rhyme with important words to sustain the analogy. Simon’s song didn’t cover 50 ways, anyhow, only eight. But here are 20 ideas for sustaining a long marriage. All of them require you to take seriously the Apostle Peter’s injunction to live with your wife in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7).
1. Help her say no. By this, I don’t mean to say no to her. I mean to say no for her. One way for her to avoid burnout or stress is for her to say, with honesty, “my husband prefers I don’t come” or “my husband and I have talked about that and made another choice.” When she talks to you about something she would rather not do, help reduce the pressure she feels from others by taking a position on the thing she is ambivalent about. Don’t help her say yes when she wants or needs to say no.
2. Create a safe place. God’s original design for marriage was a place where we could be naked and not ashamed (Genesis 2:25). This is not as much about sex as we think it is. It is about creating sanctuary, a space where she can be vulnerable and honest without fearing you will mock or betray her. Give her every reason to trust you, both in private and in public. No belittling your wife in front of others. Ever. “I was just joking” is the lamest excuse you will ever make.
3. Buy her a flower, not a plant. I mean this metaphorically. You can buy her a plant if she likes plants. I suggest you find simple things that delight her, not just things she can use or has to take care of. This will be different for each of our wives, but we have not learned to love our wife if we have not learned to provide unexpected and gracious gifts that reflect our knowing and understanding her heart. Christ does this for us every single day, often many times a day (Lamentations 3;22-23) You should do it more.
4. You plan a date. Don’t make her responsible for all the details every time. You find the babysitter. You pick the place, respecting what you know about her preferences and desires. She is tired of doing this every time. She is tired of being responsible for the quality of your relationship. Christ choses when and where and how he will meet his church. Be like Christ.
5. Take the long view. A right view of God’s sovereignty helps her. And it helps you. When she is worried or anxious, remind her of God’s unfailing mercy and precious promises. Of course, you can’t do this if you don’t know his promises. It’s your job to know them. Bring them into the conversation gently and humbly, looking with hope toward God’s unfailing purpose. “What is God doing here?” is always a better question to start with than “what are we going to do?”
6. Take the first step. When there is conflict, you be the peacemaker. You start the healing. This is another picture of Christ to her and to your children. He came to us. We didn’t go to him. He is the great initiator of our reconciliation. As much as you can, follow his example and tear down the walls of hostility between you (Ephesians 2:14).
7. Admit you were wrong. That first step often requires you to examine and own your contribution to the problem. This may be difficult to do. You may not have had a good example of how to do this. I did have a good example, and I’ve still been learning how to do this for five decades. But while Christ did not need to confess sin, he did humble himself and take on the form of a servant (Philippians 2:8). Once you adopt that attitude, it should not be hard to see where you failed to serve or cherish her. And to say I’m sorry.
8. Take time to listen. This is something she probably wants more than anything else you can do. And most of us don’t do this very well. We are not listening when we are thinking of what we want to say next. And we are not listening when we are thinking about something else entirely. She needs you to look at her and hear her words. You need Jesus to do that for you—to see you and hear you. He does. That’s your model.
9. Take care of yourself. She shouldn’t worry that you are going to die young, and she will have to clean out the garage. Get some exercise. Eat better food. Go to the doctor. She needs to know you will not leave her because you were lazy and undisciplined. And you cannot take care of her if you do not take care of yourself.
10. Wash all the pans. And wipe off the counter. Another metaphor. But be helpful and finish the job. We have not truly helped if we leave it to her to finish or clean up after us. Follow through. Pick up your tools. Pick up your socks. You know what I’m talking about. If you know her as you should, you know what frustrates her that you have left or often leave unfinished. Finish it.
11. Spend time with her. This is how we lay down our lives for our wives, as Christ did for his church (Ephesians 5:25). We are not likely to have to die for her, although we should be willing. But our life is the hours and minutes of our days, and it is our time we should sacrifice freely and willingly. You need to actually say the words “I love you” frequently. But spending time with her is how you show her it’s true.
12. Create some routines. To spend time with her, you need regular, predictable time to be together. She needs to know you will have coffee together every Saturday morning. Or whatever works. Create routines and take them seriously. This will vary by season of life. Make adjustments. But if she knows there is a regular time to talk, she may not say everything in the heat of the moment. And neither will you. You cannot and will not know how to live with your wife in an understanding way if you do not build dependable routines that allow you to learn who she is and what she really cares about.
13. Take the hit. Metaphorically, of course. But our Lord taught us to turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:38-239). Don’t feel like you have to answer in kind. Certainly, there are patterns of interaction that may need to be addressed, but you don’t have to have the last word, say the most cutting thing, or push back on every challenge. When he was reviled, Jesus answered not a word. Sometimes silence is the right choice.
14. Lock the door. Another metaphor. Although I grew up in a home where we never locked the doors, I’ve learned it means a lot to Katie if I check them at night before we go to bed. Find out what makes your wife feel safe or protected. Do that.
15. Remember God’s goodness. Remember examples of his loving kindness. Bring them up at the table. Rehearse them in her ears and in the ears of your children. Keep a journal if you have to. Your wife should not carry this important biblical responsibility by herself (Psalm 78:5-8).
16. Honor your covenant. Pastor John Lillie once explained that a covenant is not a contract. We make contracts to protect our interests, but we make covenants to give them away. At some point, you made a covenant promise to have and to hold her from that day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part. You cannot honor your covenant by clinging to your rights.
17. Don’t whine. Don’t sulk. Seriously, man up.
18. Get over yourself. Your home is not your castle. You don’t need a man cave. You married a wife and have responsibilities. Get off the couch and get involved. On his very last night, knowing full well all that the next day would bring, Jesus washed his disciples’ feet. You are a leader, not a king. You are a servant, not a master. Have this mind in you which was also in Christ Jesus.
19. Do the hard stuff. See 1 to 18 above. Also, get that will made and plan your funerals. You will probably die first. She will have enough to do. Don’t leave things for her that you can take care of.
20. Be in the moment. I’ve talked a lot about responsibility. But this is also about joy. Make your wife your treasure. Be present, attentive and grateful. Proverbs 5 puts it this way:
Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well.
Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets?
Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you.
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
This is also not about sex as much as we think, although it is of course also about that.
But Malachi 2:14 says, do not be faithless to the wife of your youth, for she is your companion and your wife by covenant. It is in covenant keeping that we find real joy. Honor the office. Embrace the pilgrimage. Cherish the sanctuary.
And be intoxicated with her love.
What ways have you found to keep your lover?
the daysman 