This is the fourth post in a series about our 50th anniversary. See also A Year of Jubilee, Falling in Love, and Making a Home.
Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life and in your toil in which you have labored under the sun. —Ecclesiastes 9:9
It’s one thing to make a covenant. And it’s another thing to keep it.
As I have explained, Katie and I were learning to make time for each other, snatching moments together between homeschooling four kids, taking care of elderly parents, and keeping up with responsibilities at church and work. This might look like a late-night trip to Applebee’s after the kids were in bed or even a trip to the landfill.
We had recognized from the beginning we were on a pilgrimage, but we were still one Bible study away from the truth we needed most. But a little over 20 years ago, Katie worked through a study with Precepts on covenant.
This study changed her before it changed me. Although both sets of our parents were married for about 50 years, Katie’s parents were emotionally distant from each other. And she had 9 siblings, some with troubled marriages and divorces themselves. Love as she had experienced it was conditional. And she had insecurities of her own.
So the idea of covenant was comforting to her. We had not just made a promise, which she had seen broken; we had made a covenant, the kind of promise God makes, inviolable and unbreakable, without conditions and without end. Looking at covenants in Scripture, witnessed and signified by sacrifice, gave her confidence in God’s love for her before it gave her confidence in mine.
She became less anxious. About everything. And eventually, almost as a by-product, of my love for her. After all, we had made a covenant with each other. By God’s grace, we would keep it.
As we began to understand this better, the picture that helped the most was not the covenant David made with Jonathan or even the covenant God made with Abraham. It was the covenant Christ made with the church, which the Apostle Paul compares to marriage itself.
It takes a while for this to fully sink in. But once you begin to connect marriage to the Gospel, to contemplate the sacrifice and forgiveness that are fundamental to life together, then marriage becomes more sacred. It becomes, in fact, a sanctuary.
I think that was always God’s intention. Adam and Eve, before the fall, were “naked and not ashamed.” God designed marriage as a place where we can be vulnerable and unafraid. Ideally, we can be honest with each other without fear of being belittled or mocked.
I once wrote:
When Adam and Eve realized they were naked it was loaded with emotional freight, as sex always is. They hustled around making clothes for themselves, even though no one else was around.
Many marriages are like that, filled with homemade coverings and deceits hastily assembled. It shouldn’t be like that. It wasn’t God plan before the fall, and it still isn’t. That’s why any effort we make to build and restore trust with our spouse is a step back toward the garden.
We can only get back to this garden of delight when we have shown each other we are willing and able to love sacrificially and forgive repeatedly. We can only do this with the Spirit’s help as we embrace the Gospel and extend grace to each other in the same way God has extended grace to us.
This is not easy, of course. We have patterns of interaction we learned as a child. We have patterns of interaction we have learned as a couple. We have patterns of inaction we have nourished. So there is a lot to undo and rethink. Katie and I have been working at this for a couple of decades, and we still aren’t very good at it.
But in our marriage, we are most truly known. Every day requires new sacrifices. Every day offers new opportunities to forgive each other. As we see each other do this, we can talk more openly and deeply. And what we are learning is something we can practice with our children, our coworkers, our siblings, and even strangers.
And working out the gospel in our marriage has made our home a sanctuary, not just for us, but for others. It allows hospitality to flourish. It allows trust to build. We feel loved and safe. So do others. Marriage is a lab for life, and after experimenting for 50 years we are learning more and more. One thing we are learning is to welcome others as God for Christ’s sake has welcomed us.
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We start almost every morning with tea, welcoming the day and welcoming each other. In the winter, we sit by the glass door in the kitchen, where we may see a couple of deer along the back of our property. In late spring and summer, we sit on the front porch. A man drives by almost every morning with his window open, his dog facing the wind. We usually drink a first flush Darjeeling, the vapors rising slowly from the steaming amber brew. It’s time we treasure. Often we read a book or devotional out loud, currently selections from J.I. Packer’s Knowing God.
Occasionally, we talk about our separate plans for the day. Or our shared ones. As we age, sometimes we talk about our aches and pains. Occasionally, we even scroll Facebook, checking in on digital friends. We talk about God’s kindness and his gracious provision. But the point is, we are still together, still finding joy in the constancy of the covenant.
And this is the secret of covenant keeping: remembering and rejoicing in God’s covenant-keeping faithfulness to us.
I’ve written frequently about covenant, and have come to think of it as the most fundamental truth we can know about our relationship with each other. And with our God. It is the basis of unconditional love. It is the fabric of our days. If we keep covenant, we can work through pain and betrayal, and more likely, annoying habits and idiosyncrasies.
But clearly, that’s not the best part. The best part is our marriage becomes richer and more satisfying because we are keeping our covenant. It blesses us and strengthens us for the days ahead, even for the day when one of us is alone.
And she or I will be okay even then because before we made a covenant with each other, God made a covenant with us.
And his mercies are new every morning.
What about you? How has covenant-keeping been part of your life,?
Later this month my professional newsletter is about 5 reasons to listen to your spouse. Sign up here.
the daysman 